Academy Awards and Vanity Fair Party

Yes, that is me with the shaved head at this years Academy Awards. If you are reading this, make sure you skip down to the Vanity Fair party, pretty funny what happened. For those who have never been and are interested to know about it. You get there real early, and if you are not a known celebrity they rush you down the red carpet like cattle. So no milling around for me, but it was still cool. I got into the awards hall early and got a spot at the bar for the preceremony. The highlight of the evening came early as I was standing in the Eastman Room with about twenty people, and it was lit well enough for me to see a litte, and who comes strolling in, but JACK NICHOLOSN. He has his patten grin on his face, and a woman on each arm. Jack is the man, but he quickly turned around and left the room. I think he realized he was Jack Nicholson, and what the fuck am I doing in here with these people. After about an hour the room began to fill up with a lot of Producer’s and Writer’s. Now for the highlighs. Right before the awards began, I realized I was standing next to Rachel Weisz and Helena Bonham Carter, ends up so for a good thirty minutes. My luck must of rubbed off on Rachel, as she went on to win an Academy Award. Now, Helena was on the worst dress list, and I do not know what the hell people were talking about. Between the two of them, you can guess what I was staring at. WOW. About five minutes before the awards began, a handful of us were still in the Eastman Room, as get this, you cannot bring your fucking drink into the actual awards, and once the show starts, the open bar turns to a cash bar. Unreal how cheap the Academy is. Well, who comes darting into the room, but keanu Reeves. He is a tall, but still walks like he is Ted. It was pretty funny. I wanted to walk up to him and say, NOOO WAyyy Ted, but figured it would probably not be a good move. Well, sitting in the awards is boring, I would rather have an anal probe, so after a few minutes, we ended up back at the bar. We moved between the first and third floor bars, oh yeah, and the smoking patio for most of the evening. Got to run into Nicole Kidman, Paul Giamatti (who I wanted to walk past and say FREE PETE ROSE for you baseball fan, but figured again, bad move), Sandra Bullock, Christopher Lloyd, George Clooney, and a host of others. My second favorite moment of the evening was asking a grown man if I could hold his penguin. No, this is not a new sexual innuendo. I was talking to the Producer of the Academy Award winning documentary, March of the Penguins. They brought those big stuffed animal penguins on stage.Yes, I have a thing for stuffed animals, and he let me hold his penguin, but would not let me keep it. Why, was this a bigger thrill than getting to hold an Oscar? i do not know, I guess I have a thing for penguins.

Now for the funny part. After getting a pretty good buzz going, my buddy and I figured we had a good shot of walking right into the Vanity Fair party, as who is going to stop a blind guy from going to a party. Well you know who, Vanity Fair. We walked through the crowd, and crossed the street to Morton’s, walked all the way down the red carpet to the front, they asked for our tickets, and I said I left them in the limo, well then they asked for my name, so I gave them a made up name. Well, instead of saying, I am sorry, you are not on the list, they called over security immediately, my buzz began to wear off pretty quickly, as the secuity guy talked into his wrist saying, I am escorting a guy out with a white cane, I am escorting a guy out with a white cane. This sobers you iup pretty quickly, especially when a host of security is waiting for you at the front to escort you across the street. It was funny looking back at it, but did ruin my buzz. We went on to the US Weekly party which we were invited to, and who did I end up standing next to, but PAris Hilton, yes, I cant stand her either, but it was funny watching her walk into the bathroom, and seeing a team of gossip columnists run in after her. Famous people might have a lot of money and get a lot of free shit, but at least they don’t get to pee alone

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