Archive for May, 2008

Who Ya Going to Call?

May 14, 2008

So a buddy of mine called me up, and told me he had a mouse problem in his apartment. Me being blind, I assume I have never had a mouse problem. He set a number of mouse traps with peanut butter throughout the apartment. But this here is a clever mouse, as he kept getting away with the peanut butter. He was real sneaky and fast to, as he would run all around the apartment like he was an explorer mouse. I guess he was the Lewis and Clark of his little mouse brigade. Until that fateful night, when the mouse went back for too much peanut butter for his tribe, and got greedy, and his neck got snapped in the mouse trap. Me being sympathetic thought poor little mousy. You were so brave and adventurous. Now that my buddy has solved his mouse problem, he has a new problem, and he thinks his apartment is haunted, and I could only think of one thing, Mouse Ghost!! How come when anyone sees a ghost it is always a person ghost? Why wouldn’t the mouse he just killed haunt his apartment forever? Come to think of it, I think I got a mouse ghost problem!

Advertisements

Michael Vick & Being fixed up

May 13, 2008

I was looking around for my Seeing Eye dog, and then I remembered that I have not seen him since I was over at Michael Vick’s house. I am kidding; I would never be involved with something like that. I actually lost him in a bet with an NBA ref. SHH, I think the bet was FIXED!!

I got setup with a girl the other night after a show. She was a friend of a friend. Now I rocked the house, and figured, what would be more interesting than getting to know a blind comedian? Well, we were hanging at a bar, and instead of talking to me, the guy who just rocked Gotham Comedy Club, she decided to talk to some sixty year old fat guy from Louisiana. That is not even the best part; guess what he did for a living? He actually buys dead people’s things!! Score Blind Comedian 0 vs Dead guy crap purchaser 1. I will never get woman.

Academy Awards and Vanity Fair Party

May 13, 2008

Yes, that is me with the shaved head at this years Academy Awards. If you are reading this, make sure you skip down to the Vanity Fair party, pretty funny what happened. For those who have never been and are interested to know about it. You get there real early, and if you are not a known celebrity they rush you down the red carpet like cattle. So no milling around for me, but it was still cool. I got into the awards hall early and got a spot at the bar for the preceremony. The highlight of the evening came early as I was standing in the Eastman Room with about twenty people, and it was lit well enough for me to see a litte, and who comes strolling in, but JACK NICHOLOSN. He has his patten grin on his face, and a woman on each arm. Jack is the man, but he quickly turned around and left the room. I think he realized he was Jack Nicholson, and what the fuck am I doing in here with these people. After about an hour the room began to fill up with a lot of Producer’s and Writer’s. Now for the highlighs. Right before the awards began, I realized I was standing next to Rachel Weisz and Helena Bonham Carter, ends up so for a good thirty minutes. My luck must of rubbed off on Rachel, as she went on to win an Academy Award. Now, Helena was on the worst dress list, and I do not know what the hell people were talking about. Between the two of them, you can guess what I was staring at. WOW. About five minutes before the awards began, a handful of us were still in the Eastman Room, as get this, you cannot bring your fucking drink into the actual awards, and once the show starts, the open bar turns to a cash bar. Unreal how cheap the Academy is. Well, who comes darting into the room, but keanu Reeves. He is a tall, but still walks like he is Ted. It was pretty funny. I wanted to walk up to him and say, NOOO WAyyy Ted, but figured it would probably not be a good move. Well, sitting in the awards is boring, I would rather have an anal probe, so after a few minutes, we ended up back at the bar. We moved between the first and third floor bars, oh yeah, and the smoking patio for most of the evening. Got to run into Nicole Kidman, Paul Giamatti (who I wanted to walk past and say FREE PETE ROSE for you baseball fan, but figured again, bad move), Sandra Bullock, Christopher Lloyd, George Clooney, and a host of others. My second favorite moment of the evening was asking a grown man if I could hold his penguin. No, this is not a new sexual innuendo. I was talking to the Producer of the Academy Award winning documentary, March of the Penguins. They brought those big stuffed animal penguins on stage.Yes, I have a thing for stuffed animals, and he let me hold his penguin, but would not let me keep it. Why, was this a bigger thrill than getting to hold an Oscar? i do not know, I guess I have a thing for penguins.

Now for the funny part. After getting a pretty good buzz going, my buddy and I figured we had a good shot of walking right into the Vanity Fair party, as who is going to stop a blind guy from going to a party. Well you know who, Vanity Fair. We walked through the crowd, and crossed the street to Morton’s, walked all the way down the red carpet to the front, they asked for our tickets, and I said I left them in the limo, well then they asked for my name, so I gave them a made up name. Well, instead of saying, I am sorry, you are not on the list, they called over security immediately, my buzz began to wear off pretty quickly, as the secuity guy talked into his wrist saying, I am escorting a guy out with a white cane, I am escorting a guy out with a white cane. This sobers you iup pretty quickly, especially when a host of security is waiting for you at the front to escort you across the street. It was funny looking back at it, but did ruin my buzz. We went on to the US Weekly party which we were invited to, and who did I end up standing next to, but PAris Hilton, yes, I cant stand her either, but it was funny watching her walk into the bathroom, and seeing a team of gossip columnists run in after her. Famous people might have a lot of money and get a lot of free shit, but at least they don’t get to pee alone

Where Do You Walk a Dog in NYC?

May 13, 2008

So I am in the process of applying for a guide dog. You would not believe how lengthy the process is, but at least they have a thourough screening process, and do not just give these dogs out to anyone like the New York Yankees do with their handicap seats. Yeah, for all of you out there trying to get tickets to a Yankees game, and cannot find any, check out the handicap seats, they let anyone buy them, and do not monitor if you have a disability. Kind of sad, as they are the only stadium or arena in the tri-state area where you do not have to be on file with a doctor’s letter to get disability seating. But I digress, back to talking about the guide dog. So the guide dog society calls me, and asks if my apartment is near any landmarks? So I said,
oh are you visually impaired, and the guy says, no I just have trouble finding places. No shit, me to. Thought that was kind of a funny question to ask a blind guy. Anyway, the guide dog society people were

really great, but I have never had a dog before, so I had a lot of questions. I was actually concerned about where I would have to take the dog to go to the bathroom? I live on a street with a lot of people traffic, and actually thought the dog would be embarrassed to go to the bathroom in front of people. Like I said, I have never owned a dog before, and did not realize that the dog will just do its business about anywhere. Hey, I do not even like using public restrooms. On another note, The Foundation Fighting Blindness keeps emailing me to contact my Congressman about more funding for the NIH. Only problem, is I live in New York, and have tried, but his office keeps telling me he’s with a prostitue. Hey, if its good enough for the
Governor, why not my Congressman too. I really need to get into politic’s, it sounds like the fringe benefits are great!!

Bridges Burn Easily

May 13, 2008

Bridges Burn Easily

It’s amazing how easily bridges burn when you keep telling people to fuck off. Kenneth Lay died, how come he can get out of a life sentence, but I can’t. I had a friend, and he was just fired from his job, and was bitching to me about how bad his life was. He said his life sucked, but I was the one person he still would not trade places with, so I offered him some advice, I said, “well there’s always suicide” I have mastered the art of losing things. I have lost my sight, and now my hair, how come I can’t lose any weight? I just found out the Rabbi who Bar Mitzvah’ed me is in prison for child molestation, does this now make me Catholic? Late the other night, I heard a woman screaming at the top of her lungs out back of my apartment, “Somebody help me, somebody help me!!” I figured it was either someone being killed or making a movie. I would have gotten off the couch to check it out if I knew it was a movie. I was just told that smoking is bad for you. Does that mean when I get cancer, I can sure Marlboro because I was never able to read the warning on the pack? Thanks to this recent revelation about smoking being bad for you, I think I have accomplished my life’s goal. I am pretty sure that I have now broken all ten commandments. I am pretty sure that I got got the Thou Shall Not kill covered with my second hand smoke. I know a blind guy who never dreamed, then he was cured and could see, but now he can’t sleep because he has the worst nightmares. I used to have a Gateway computer, but I gave it to an illegal immigrant, it’s not that I hate illegal’s, I just really hate Gateway. I love it when I check into a hotel, and they ask me, “Will you be parking a car with us?” Didn’t life seem better when we lived in a world with sniglets?